What makes men ready for fatherhood?

by Matt Shipman  

This article is a part of today’s Evidence-Based Parenting blog carnival. Other blogs participating in the carnival are linked at the end of the article.

Shortly after bringing my first child home from the hospital and helping my wife get settled in with our new daughter, I sat down – exhausted – in our living room. I clearly remember thinking, “I can’t wait until things get back to normal.” Moments later, it dawned on me that things were never going to get back to normal. Or, at the very least, that normal was about to be drastically redefined.

The shock of this realization passed quickly, and I got on with the business of being a dad. I was ready for it. In fact, I was excited about it.

But not all men are ready for fatherhood. Why not? What makes some people ready to become dads?

According to a 1982 study, four key factors make men embrace the role of fatherhood. First, and most obviously, is whether the man ever intended to become a father. Second, whether the man has a stable, loving relationship with his partner. Third, whether the man feels financially stable. And, finally, whether the man feels he has completed most of what he wanted to do during the “childless period” of his life.

These all make sense. After reading the paper, I checked that list against my own experience: I did want to be a father; I was madly in love with my wife (still am); I was as financially stable as a reporter can be; and I felt I had done at least my fair share of traveling and barhopping. I could check all four of those boxes.

But even if I could have checked only three of those boxes, I would have been fine. The study found that men who perceive a problem in any one of those key factors are still able to overcome their doubts, be a committed partner, and prepare for the joint adventure of parenthood.

However, as the paper notes, “should a man perceive problems in more than one of the timing factors (financial security, couple stability or progress of life goals), or [emphasis theirs] should he never have intended to have a child, it is unlikely that he will involve himself in the pregnancy in a way that optimally supports his spouse.”

In other words, if the man doesn’t think he’s ready to be a father, he likely won’t be ready to be a father – or a supportive partner to the mother. The ability to mentally adjust to the new situation is crucial.

This also puts my realization about the arrival of a new definition of normal into context: It tells me that my wife’s pregnancy didn’t rattle my view of the world or my place in it. I set up the nursery, attended her medical appointments, was supportive, and tried to be helpful. In short, I did not freak out at the prospect of becoming a father.

For a lot of men, though, pregnancy is exactly when things begin to get dicey.

A longitudinal study in Australia assessed men when their partners were 23 weeks pregnant, and again three months, six months and 12 months after the birth of their first child. In their resulting 2004 paper, the researchers confessed surprise at the findings. They had expected the first few months after a baby’s birth to be the most stressful, and that stress among fathers would decline by the end of the first year. They were wrong.

What they found was that pregnancy was the most stressful period for many of the fathers and that their stress levels actually dipped (slightly) after the birth. However, the men’s stress then leveled off – with no significant improvement over their first year as fathers. That stress was evident in strained relationships with their partners, lower job satisfaction, interrupted sleep patterns (no surprise there!), and weight gain. [Note: other studies, including this one from 1989, also show significant declines in physical health in the first year after becoming a dad.]

So, for a significant number of men, simply the prospect of fatherhood was enough to trigger major emotional and psychological upheaval – and it didn’t seem to improve much over time. If I had read this before having kids, it would have scared me half to death – and for no good reason. I didn’t have the same experiences that many of these men had (excepting, of course, the “interrupted sleep patterns”).

That’s because, as reported in a 2007 follow-up paper, the Australian researchers discovered there were a few characteristics that separated the “distressed” dads from the non-distressed ones. Most notably, more than half of the distressed men had become fathers by accident – the pregnancy was unplanned. That didn’t surprise me. Referring back to the 1982 study I mentioned above, you’ve got to think that being able to check all four of those fatherhood boxes (want to be a dad; stable relationship; financially secure; progress of life goals) is a lot less likely when the pregnancy is unplanned.

But there are also two other risk factors for distressed dads. Over 30 percent of distressed dads had “unclear expectations about the birth.” (I have no idea what that means – and I read the paper twice.) And 28.8 percent of the distressed dads had been given “reports of negative or mixed experiences” by other guys. In other words, they heard fatherhood horror stories that scared the crap out of them.

All of these papers point toward a common theme – that the mental adjustment to becoming a father is both difficult and enormously important. My mental adjustment flummoxed me for all of about 30 seconds, and then I moved on. But I was eager to become a dad, and my first child was the result of a planned pregnancy with a committed life partner. For other expectant and new fathers, the transition may be more difficult – but still attainable.

The first thing an expectant father can do to be prepared for his new role is to admit that this is uncharted territory (at least for him) and that he might need to ask for help. There are a host of resources out there for first-time dads. Take the time to do your homework. You can find a brief overview here and a ton of resources here. There are also online support groups that may be worth exploring. And your doctor, or your partner’s OB/GYN or other caregiver, may be able to tell you about other resources in your community.

Parenthood is an adventure. Be prepared to embrace it.

Read more of Matt Shipman’s posts at the Communication Breakdown blog on SciLogs.com.

Note: Below are the citations for all of the papers referenced in the post.

• “Factors Contributing to First-Time Fathers’ Readiness for Fatherhood: An Exploratory Study,” Katharyn A. May, Family Relations, Vol. 31, No. 3 (Jul., 1982), pp. 353-361
• “Men’s health status during pregnancy and early fatherhood,” Sandra L. Ferketich and Ramona T. Mercer, Research in Nursing and Health, Vol. 12, Issue 3 (June 1989), pp. 137-148 DOI: 10.1002/nur.4770120304
• “The First-Time Fathers Study: a prospective study of the mental health and wellbeing of men during the transition to parenthood,” John T. Condon, Philip Boyce and Carolyn J. Corkindale, Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 38, Issue 1-2 (Jan. 2004), pp. 56-64 DOI: 10.1111/j.1440-1614.2004.01298.x
• “First-Time Fathers’ Study: psychological distress in expectant fathers during pregnancy,” John T. Condon, Philip Boyce, J. Barton and Carolyn J. Corkindale, Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 41, Issue 9 (Sep. 2007), pp. 718-725

Here’s a quick list of our contributors for this second edition of the Carnival of Evidence-Based Parenting:

• The Transition to New Motherhood (Momma, PhD)
• Bonding in Early Motherhood: When Angels Don’t Sing and the Earth Doesn’t Stand Still (Red Wine and Applesauce)
• The Connection Between Poor Labour, Analgesia, and PTSD (The Adequate Mother)
• For Love or Money: What Makes Men Ready for New Fatherhood (Matt Shipman)
• What the Science Says (and Doesn’t Say) About Breastfeeding Issues, Postpartum Adjustment, and Bonding (Fearless Formula Feeder)
• No, Swaddling Will Not Kill Your Baby (Melinda Wenner Moyer, Slate)
• Sleep Deprivation: The Dark Side of Parenting (Science of Mom)
• The Parenting Media and You (Momma Data)
• Reassessing Happiness Research: Are New Parents Really That Miserable? (Jessica Smock)
• 40 Long Days and Nights (Six Forty Nine)